Battle of the Booksellers
Power Ballad Winners!

Hey booksellers! Algonquin and Shelf Awareness dared you to conjure the rock gods and write lyrics for a bookstore-themed power ballad to win prizes that would bring the house down.

And now, the hammer of the gods has been, um, slammed down.

Thanks for joining in the fun in celebrating the release of Dan Kennedy’s Rock On: An Office Power Ballad (ISBN: 978-1-56512-509-4; February 2008). We're proud to unveil the winners and runners up. Keep on following the dream, man...

GRAND PRIZE: Patrick Coleman of Laguna Beach Books for his ballad "Remaindered Love" (HEAR the mp3!)

Runners-up (in no particular order):

Carole Schneck of Schuler Books for "Nonfiction Novel"

Excuse me, is this out in paperback?
Do you have a nonfiction section?
It's orange and it was on Oprah.
It has the word "the" in the title.

Where is the bathroom?
Can I use your phone?
The free coffee's empty.
Will you page my son?

Will this be going on sale soon?
Why don't you carry that book?
Where are the nonfiction novels?
When does this come out in paperback?

Do you have a bag with handles?
Can I get a bigger bag?
I want a bag, it's raining.
My daughter wants her own bag.

Do you give homeschoolers a discount?
If I order it, do I have to buy it?
I'd love to work here so I could read all day.
I'd love to work here so I could read all day.

David Henkes of University Bookstore for "Second Home"

Deep in the trenches of the self-help aisle rolling with a cart and a pop-up smile, breathing in the dust from the paper mold, body taking punches and feeling old.

Mr. Smith nice to see how are you sir,
your favorite author today is causing quite a stir.
You'll find the grand creation is a lovely tome, I'm really glad you decided to leave your home.

Shutting down the online, browsing, shopping, roam, walk inside the bookstore you can't do this from home.
Come see your second home.

The bookstore is a lifeline, feed it, burp it, grow.
Look out the waters murky, fear the undertow.
Be aware the endless titles resting on the shelf, look inside the magic, grow the mind, feel its wealth.

Shutting down the online, browsing, shopping, roam, walk inside the bookstore you can't do this from home, you can't do this from home, you can't do this from home, come see your second home.

Chains will only bind you, feel the pinch, close your eyes, they reach into your wallet, sell you juicy lies, its on sale Tuesday only, come on down don't be shy, look inside the window, see the biggest pie, We'll show you what we stole now from the rest of the class, we don't have to share with others cuz we kick their ass.

Shutting down the online, browsing, shopping, roam, walk inside the bookstore you can't do this from home, Cities feel the rapture from your loyalty, embrace the real edition, feel the royalty, by shutting down the online, come see your second home.

Suzanne Ledford of Fireside Books for "Baby Got Brain"
Baby Got Brain!

Oh my god, Becky! Look at her lobes! They're so big! She's like...one of those scientists girlfriends. But, y'know, who understands those scientists? They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total brainiac, 'kay? I mean, her brain, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round it's like, out there, I mean...Look! She's just so.....smart!

I like.smart.gingers and I cannot lie
you other brainies can't deny
that when a girl walks in with glasses on her face
And a coy inquisitive gaze
You get enamored and pay attention to grammar
Cause that brain makes you wanna clamor
Well, she's deep in the book she's reading
I'm hooked and I can't stop pleading
Oh, baby, I'm fallin' to pieces
I wanna read your thesis.
My Mensa brothers tried to give warnin'
But that cranium you got makes me feel like learnin'!
Oooh, Miss "wants more within"
much to my chagrin
Well, teach me, teach me
Cause I don't know much' about Nietzsche.
I've seen them debatin'
well the heck with waitin'
She's knowing and astute
Her mind is open like a parachute!
I'm tired of Entertainment Tonight
sayin' dumb girls are outta sight.
Ask the average dude and he'll say he wants who?
The lady with the high IQ!
So Doctors!? (YEAH?) Philosophers?! (YEAH?)
Your girlfriend got the wit?
Hell yeah!!
Tell her shake 'em (shake 'em)
Shake 'em (shake 'em)
Shake those healthy wits
Baby got brains
(Science books and thick rimmed glasses)
Baby got brains.
(Science books and thick rimmed glasses)
Flex that cerebellum

Kevin Ryan of Green Apple Books for "A Remainder Man"

Johnny was an English Major
When he got his first bookstore job
Powell's Books I think it was
And from there it didn't take him long
Started in receiving
Worked his way up to register one
Now he's remainder buyer
And everything's alright don't you know

Johnny made some good buys,
Michael Chabon at two ninety eight
Stacks of Where the Wild Things Are
He was making three times over net,
Don't you know don't you know

Don't you know that you are a remainder man
Don't you know, don't you know.
Don't you know that you are a remainder man
And the store is filled with bargains because you are
A remainder man

Johnny told his manager "Hey, I'm going to CIROBE,
Gonna buy a few pallets, stack em up all over the store."
Manager said to Johnny, with a teardrop in his eye
Don't you spend too much money or you I'll have to fire
Don't you know don't you know

Don't you know that you are a remainder man
Don't you know, don't you know.
Don't you know that you are a remainder man
And the store is filled with bargains because you are
A remainder man

Johnny went to Cirobe, bought a pallet of Stephen King
'Nother pallet of Jimmy Carter's poetry, he was just doing his thing
Assortment of Sudoku, Clay Aiken books all in a row
Bridges of Madison County, OJ's How I Did It,
Don't you know don't you know

Don't you know that you are a remainder man
Don't you know, don't you know.
Don't you know that you are a remainder man
And the store is filled with bargains because you are
A remainder man

Johnny got back to the store, and the trucks started to arrive
Twelve pallets in one day, and the next day there were five
Boxes stacked in the aisle, blocking the emergency door,
Pallets on the sidewalk, nowhere they could go,
Don't you know don't you know

Don't you know that you are a remainder man
Don't you know, don't you know.
Don't you know that you are a remainder man
And the store is filled with bargains because you are
A remainder man

Johnny got demoted, sent back to do data entry
Frontlisting catalogues, doing damaged returns
But if you look at those sale tables you can still
See those books, don't you know, don't you know

Don't you know that you are a remainder man
Don't you know, don't you know.
Don't you know that you are a remainder man
And the store is filled with bargains because you are
A remainder man

Joe Drabyak of Chester County Books & Music for "Oprah"

What'll you do when you get published
And nobody's waiting on your book?
I've been writing and fretting much too long
And no one will even give it a look.

OPRAH, you've got me on my knees
OPRAH, I'm begging, darling please
OPRAH, darling won't you just crack the spine.

I know you felt some isolation
When that James Frey had let you down.
I was a fool I believed him too,
Million Pieces falling down.

OPRAH, you've got me on my knees
OPRAH, I'm begging, darling please
OPRAH, darling won't you just crack the spine.

Just one chapter of my creation
You'll see that I'm not quite so insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
Don't tell me that my book's in vain.

OPRAH, you've got me on my knees
OPRAH, I'm begging, darling please
OPRAH, darling won't you just crack the spine.